Jean - Claude Van Dammeneeds to hack into a supercomputer that ’s go mad … so of course , he sneaks into a strip club , because they ’re known for their state - of - the - art estimator . ( And sapphic lapdances . ) Just one of five idioticUniversal Soldier2 moments .
It ’s really knockout to understate quite how terribleUniversal Soldier : The Returnis . Even though it ’s actually the fourth Universal Soldier movie , it ’s the 2nd theatrical acquittance and everyone just profess the two intervening television receiver movies did n’t exist . Why does Van - Damme go to the striptease club ? seemingly , it ’s because the malevolent supercomputer , SETH , has knocked out the entire tycoon storage-battery grid except for the strip joint ’s own power source , but really it ’s just an apology to have some T&A in the middle a movie that ’s sagging badly at this item . ( The police station would n’t have its own superpower and computing gadget ? ) In any cause , I ’m happy the stripper ’s a gay woman . And the club seems to morph into a drag taproom , when Van - Damme gets inside the estimator room . WTF ? Confusing . Luckily , Van Damme is ready for anything .
SETH , incidentally , is such a brilliant super computer that whenever he make a new evil programme , he announces it in giant dark-green letter on all his projection screen , and says it out loud in a droning computer voice . Makes subterfuge a tad unmanageable , but there you go .
Universal Soldier : The Return start out with the action motion-picture show standby : the elephantine action sequence that we then chance out is a breeding practice . Except that this time it involve the soldier shooting rocket launchers at each other , and Romeo , the big denuded Universal Soldier ( who ’s not malign yet , at this point — his head gets hacked later by SETH ) tie up Van Damme ’s partner Maggie and bulge out ripping her clothes off . This is standard subprogram in a training exercise ?
I guess it ’s meant to be augur for how they twist evil later on . I do like “ take a deglutition , jolly boy ! ”
Another awesome Romeo - related moment . He breaks into a hospital , and decides to beat up all the security guards ( after he ’s been chop to become fully evil ) . But being a bionic man badass , he ca n’t just vanquish up the guard — he has to snap off his flak crown and shirt first — because I hazard he was a male ecdysiast before his body got reengineered to become the Ultimate Smackdown Machine :
“ Guard this , ” indeed . Does n’t it sound like that demarcation was dub later ? What does that even intend ? Does Romeo want the security guy to guard his nude pecs ? It ’s serious that he knows how to ask for what he wants .
Oh , and then there ’s the awesome minute where the blue - haired wonk bombast about how SETH is the ultimate computer , and he ’s transplanted him into the ultimate body , with nanotechnology and muscularity and courteous fuzz and stuff , not that the nerd has a calf love on SETH ’s new body or anything . “ Can you DIG IT ? ? The NEXT LEVEL of development — MAN and COMPUTER — ZAAA ! Extinct ! ” This is possibly the best dotty puritanical - haired nerd rant in motion-picture show chronicle . Does n’t this bozo recognize that Jean - Claude Van Damme is such a great hacker he can go bad into a supercomputer from a strip night club with a dial - up modem in five minutes ?
And finally , the showdown between JCVD and SETH — have a cryogenic chamber that activates when you dissipate the control board ( of course . ) And it handle to freeze the nanotech guy so quick , that within sec he ’s so brittle that he shatters when JCVD kicks him in the head — only once , although it ’s show FOUR TIMES .
Because it ’s that awesome a spin - kick . And meanwhile , yay ! The Rejuvo - Booth has been successful and JCVD ’s little lady friend is going to be o.k. . [ IMDB ]
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